Well, mates, I promised you I’d watch the finale of I Wanna Marry Harry and report back to you with the winner.
It only took me seven days, but I did it.
But before we get to the final results, let’s have a brief recap of the show’s last episode.
Matt narrowed the ladies down to three: Katrina, Kelley, and Kimberly. (The KKK, I’m just now noticing. Oh dear.) In a move that suggests Fox knew this show wasn’t going to last long, the girls each get a very brief last date with Matt. No, seriously–Matt went out with all three of the girls in one day, just long enough for one glass of champagne and one quick peck on the cheek. Maybe they thought it would be easier for Matt to make his decision if he didn’t have time to think on it?
First up, Kelley and Matt go for a romantic meal at the top of the Gherkin in London. Kelley compliments Matt on how perfectly royal he is (ha, oh girl, if only you knew/were smart), and also takes the opportunity to tell Matt the other girls aren’t here for the right reasons. Anyone who’s ever watched The Bachelor knows that talking smack about other contestants is the first way to get your ass sent home! Reality Dating TV 101! Naturally, Matt is immediately turned off by Kelley’s catty antics.
Next, Matt and Katrina enjoy a spin on the London Eye. Despite looking like a royal herself (her last name is Kennedy), Katrina seems genuinely into the pale, ginger-haired Matt. Matt is definitely into Katrina, but it seems more of a physical attraction than anything else, which leads us to…
Kimberly. Ah, Kimberly, the only girl on the show who seems like a truly sweet person who is completely unaware of just how much of a catch she is. Who would have thought the nicest girl on the show would be from Long Island? The two meet atop the Tower Bridge (ulgh, jealousy) and are endearingly cute together. (Yes, I just used the phrase “endearingly cute” in reference to this show.)
When it comes time to send one of the girls home, Matt sends Kelley packing. Good job, Matt! I approve!
The following evening, the two finalists are treated to a winter wonderland on the castle grounds, complete with fake falling snow. It looked more like your high school’s attempt at a winter dance, but hey, this is the same show that’s trying to pass off a commoner as Prince Harry, so what did I expect?
After some one on one time with the ladies (who surprisingly are the two least cattiest women in the history of reality dating competitions), Matt must make his final decision. After much hemming and hawing and assistance from the ever loyal Kingsley, Matt makes up his mind.
Now, without further ado, it is time to announce the winner of I Wanna Marry Harry.
Drum roll please.
Da dum da dum da dum.
Seriously trying to give all you people who don’t want to be spoiled a chance to close out your window right now.
Da dum da dum da dum.
Bravo, Matt! Katrina was emotional about Matt’s rejection, and I just wanted to say, “My dear, it’s you who’s won! You! He’s not Prince Harry! Open your eyes, dear girl!” (It was like I was Lady Grantham and she was Lady Edith, ya feel?)
Kimberly is overwhelmed by Matt’s choosing her, but wait! He must still reveal the truth about his identity. Taking many awkward swallows, as is his tendency, Matt finally tells Kimberly that is in fact not Prince Harry but the imposter, Matt Hicks. When asked if she cares, Kimberly shrugs it off and accepts Matt for who is.
Wait. What? Kimberly, there is a spot in heaven for you. You are seriously the nicest person to ever sign up for a reality tv show.
The two kiss as a sea of fireworks sparkle into the sky around them.
BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE.
Kingsley stops the two’s embrace to reveal that because Kimberly has accepted Matt for who he really is, the two are to be awarded with $250,000.
SHUT UP. Hec I would have signed up for this show and pretended to think this guy was Prince Harry, too, if I’da know that was gonna happen at the end.
The lovebirds are drawn away from their winter wonderland in a horse and carriage as Mickey Mouse comes out to sing “When You Wish Upon Star” and the credits roll.
Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but the horse and carriage did. So I guess this makes Matt Cinderella? Right?
Still, the show is not ended yet. The next day, the two leave their stately estate and are presented with a double bicycle. I wish I could say I rolled my eyes, but guys, it was SO ADORABLE. Matt and Kim double cyced right outta their castle home and into the sunset of tomorrowland.
Sure, the show was ridiculous, but hot damn that was a good ending.