TV Show Recaps

Downton Abbey Season 5 Premiere: Babies, Blue Hair, and Boudiors

Did you watch Downton last night? This commoner did.

And this commoner loved it.

Downton Abbey started off its fifth season with a jam-packed episode. (Or do they eat preserves?)

In the tradition of the Abbey, Edith is depressed, the Dowager Countess is plotting, and Mary is once again being pursued by a rich, handsome man she’s putting off as long as possible because she’s Mary and she can play like that.

Last season we left off with Edith arranging for her love child to live with a farmer on the estate (I think? I’m just as lost as everyone else who last saw this show in February, but I can pretend to know more.). He “didn’t know” the child was Edith’s, but Edith’s increasingly stalker-ish behavior towards the little girl soon leads him to guessing the truth. His wife, apparently oblivious to Edith’s obsession with her adopted daughter, surmises that Edith may have a crush on her husband. Edith may be desperate, lady, but, uh, have you seen your husband?

Rose continues to do her part, joining the fun with commoners. On this week’s agenda? Handing out awards at a local primary school. What a party! Branson decides to tag along, much to the chagrin of Lord Grantham. Seems Branson may be sweet on a teacher at the school. Hello, Tom, if you’re going to fall for another lady while living in your dead wife’s parents’ house, at least try to make it a third cousin once removed or something. That’s how it’s done with the upper class. Rose wastes no time spotting the red hot tension between Tom and the Teacher (lol this is Downton how red hot can it possibly get in this ice land?) and decides she just MUST invite her to her aunt and uncle’s 34th anniversary party. Rose is cute, but stupid, and thank goodness because I just love when a commoner gets into the Abbey and pummels Lord Grantham with her common talk. No, really, I do, I think Hugh Bonneville plays quite well in such scenes.

Next up we have Mary, canoodling with her boy toy Lord Gillingham. Lord G is like realllyyyy trying to make this marriage thing happen, and Mary is like reallllyyyy not having it. She inquires to her lady maid Anna, “But what if that side that is almost more important does not work?” Guys, she’s talking about sex. Nothing like talking to the person who cleans your underwear about your bedroom activities. Also, who knew Lady Mary was so scandalous?! Sure, she lost her virginity to the visiting Turkish dude (aka Kemal Pamuk aka Four from Divergent), but he died halfway through the act. I thought that would have scarred her for life regarding premarital relations, but it seems Lady Mary is even more daring than I’d previously given her credit for. What’s even MORE scandalous is Lord Gillingham senses her trepidation and suggests they go on a trip together. UNCHAPERONED. To, uh, test things out. My God, Mary, if only your grandmother knew what salaciousness you were planning.

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Speaking of grandmama, the Dowager Countess did what all old ladies love to do on last night’s episode, partake in matchmaking. She learned that a certain Lord was chasing the skirt tails of Cousin Isobel and that just ain’t okay with the DC. Cousin Isobel says she can’t get rid of the man, to which DC replies, ““There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. It’s avoiding your friends that’s difficult.” Can this woman narrate my life? To throw the Lord off Isobel’s scent, the Countess arranges a little luncheon and invites a lady she thinks is more becoming of the Lord and a man more becoming of the Cousin (It’s just that poor Doctor again. They just can’t think of an exciting storyline for that man.) Cousin Isobel smells her plot but doesn’t say much. I hope she elopes with the Lord in some place scandalous like Ireland or Russia.

Then there’s all this talk of petitioning for a World War I memorial. Naturally Lord Grantham assumes they’ll want him to head the committee, and oh boy does he get a slap in the face when he finds out they don’t want him, they want Carson! Carson! What is this? The 20th century?! There’s a whole lot of “this never would have happened in my grandfather’s day,” and his wife’s all, “what did I do to deserve such a baby?”

Meanwhile, down on the ground floor, Daisy has gotten a secretive package that ends up being…an arithmetic book. Wow. Talk about crazy. Then Daisy gets all Daisy and is all “I’m dumb, I can’t do this” and Mrs. Patmore is all “No you’re not,” and I’m like, “Eh.” So then everyone starts feeling bad for Daisy and decides maybe she shouldn’t study arithmetic anymore because it’s hurting her self-esteem. Yes, that’s definitely the answer, Downton folk. If you fall, stay down!

Naturally Mr. Barrow is up to no good, because he’s the devil incarnate. He’s still got something on Miss Baxter and swears he’ll tell Cora if she doesn’t do exactly as he asks, which is spy on Anna and Mr. Bates. Snoooooze. Doesn’t this guy have anything better to do? For once, Molesley comes in handy, as he always come in at exactly the right moment to whisk Baxter away from Barrow’s threatening whispers. He also dyes his hair to look younger for her, which makes for one of those Downton funnies that pops up throughout the whole episode, “Carson, can you please keep Molesley in the kitchens until his hair stops turning blue?” <–actual quote. Molesley convinces Baxter she must confess her secret to her ladyship before Barrow does. Amazingly, she does just that. Turns out Miss B. stole jewelry from her former employer, which is why she needed Barrow to get her a job. Cora is more steamed at Barrow for recommending a former thief as her lady’s maid than she is about the thieving and warns Barrow he better watch his back. JUST FIRE HIM ALREADY.

Back upstairs, with the important people, Branson’s teacher friend makes an appearance at the Grantham’s anniversary party. Branson and Lord Grantham are all befuddled, and Rose is like “lolz did I do that?” Yes, Rose, you did, because you invited her. Dinner gets very awkward when the Teacher decides to belittle World War I, saying it was a waste and there shouldn’t be a memorial to remind people of it. The whole Grantham clan is like “OMG betch” and Cousin Isobel is like, “You girls keep me young. God love ya.” But the Dowager finally puts a stop to the whole thing by saying, “Principles are like prayers. Noble, of course, but awkward at party.” God love ya.

Once all the party festivities have died down and everyone goes to bed (including the footman Jimmy and a guest of the house, Lady Anstruther–together), Lady Edith becomes depressed (there’s a surprise) when she finds her love child’s father’s name in a book. She throws the book into the fire and goes to sleep, not hearing the book thump out of the fire, fully aflame. Barrow, lurking nearby (when is he not lurking?), notices the smoke seeping out from under Lady Edith’s door, and opens the door to find her room engulfed in flames. Really, Edith, you slept through this? My god, woman. Barrow is now the savior of the household (ulgh why) because he’s saved the Abbey from a firey death. Too bad Lord Grantham found Jimmy and Lady A getting cozy in the midst of all this commotion. He tells Carson he wants Jimmy removed from the house. Guess Jimmy won’t be returning in next week’s episode, which saddens me, because he was just straight up pretty, and that doesn’t appear a lot in British tv shows.

I can’t wait to see what next week has in store. Edith stalking babies? Cousin Isobel getting it on?! Mary getting it on?!? Branson getting it on?!?! Wow. Julian Fellowes, you are debasing this esteemed show. And good thing, too, because this season five premiere was my favorite since that exciting cricket episode where Barrow ALMOST got arrested. Can we somehow arrange for that to happen again?

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Sleepy Hollow Returns! Tonight on Fox, 9:00 pm ET

The weather by me has taken a turn this evening. What began as a beautiful day is now grey, windy, and with barely a hint of sun. Some say it’s humidity interacting with cold air.

I say it’s Mother Nature welcoming the return of Sleepy Hollow.

The only thing missing is a badass leftenant and a hottie from the 1700s. But I can find those easily, nay?

I can barely wrap my head around what happened last season, but I’ll do my best to relay the gist of it here. Turns out Henry, the trusted sineater friend of Abbie and Ichabod, is actually Ichabod’s son. Rather inconvenient considering he’s actually the second horseman of the apocalypse, whose life mission is to end the world along with the two witnesses’ (Abbie and Ichabod) lives. Talk about some awkward family drama.

Last we saw of Abbie Mills and Ichabod Crane, the two were in less-than-auspicious circumstances thanks to Henry’s devious machinations. Abbie was stuck in purgatory, while Ichabod had been buried alive by the man…is there a winner for worst tight spot to be in? I’m not sure–Abbie may have oxygen, but it’s not like she can claw her way out of her situation. Still, patricide, that’s a pretty bad offense, Henry, oh Henry.

Then there was some business about saving Katrina from Purgatory, which ended up being a not-so-smooth plan, as it meant Abbie had to stay behind (two souls enter purgatory? two souls leave).

And when Katrina returned to the present world, her welcoming was far from pleasant, as her son agreed to hand her over to the headless horsemen. Welcome home, ma!

Oh, and I think Abbie’s sister Jenny was in a car accident, and Captain Frank Irving was in jail for a murder he didn’t commit.

So, yes, everyone is doing just smashingly in Sleepy Hollow. No idea how these characters can all come back from the brink, but the show almost gave me a heart attack by last season’s end, so it better be able to resuscitate me and a few of my favorites. I’ll try to post a recap tomorrow, and hopefully it will be more coherent than this guessing game. (But I mean, this show is confusing as hell, ya know?) Until then, cheerio and Godspeed.

It’s been too long since I’ve seen this face.

The Mindy Project: Shine Bright Like a Diamond

It’s been four months since season two of The Mindy Project ended, and the wait for season three has been long and arduous for all of us Mindy devotees.

But if last night’s premiere is any indication, the wait for season three has been well worth it.

The episode brought us many things: Mindy’s ever-impressive printed dress collection, more details than we’d care to know about Morgan’s criminal history, a love triangle, and last, but certainly not least, an unexpected strip tease.

I could go into detail about all of the above, but really, I think we all just care about the strip tease.

Upon discovering a pink thong with the name “Diamond” studded across the, er, private area hidden in Danny’s drawer, Mindy wonders what her conservative, typically unadventurous boyfriend has been keeping from her. With the help of apparent thong-gurus Peter and Morgan, Mindy learns the item is a stripper thong (due to its easily detachable straps), but more specifically, a male stripper thong (because as Morgan so keenly observes, it has a pouch for the, um, main attraction). After a quick Google search, Mindy finds the website for “Exquisite Butts Guys2K Party.” None other than Danny aka “Diamond Dan,” bare chested and hunkified, covers the homepage.

When confronted about his secret past, Danny tells Mindy he never divulged his secret because Mindy can’t keep anything to herself. After all, just that morning Mindy was explaining to the entire office how proficient Danny was in certain bedroom maneuvers. I can’t repeat any of what was actually said because this blog must remain PG.

Mindy informs Danny that the only reason she lets tells the office everything about their relationship is because it seems too good to be true, and she’s trying to convince herself it’s real. And in what is one of the best sentimental Danny moments (because his best moment of the episode has yet to come, I assure you), he tells her, “It’s real,” with a grin and an adoring gaze. Oh, be still my heart.

But this is The Mindy Project, and we cannot simply leave it at that sappy wonderful end. No, we must go further into the night with gumption and gusto before the credits roll. Did Mindy think she could tell us about Diamond Dan and then not give us more?! No, no she did not. Enter: The Diamond Dan Strip Tease. That’s right, Tuesday’s episode ended with Danny Castellano emerging from the bathroom, Lenny Kravitz’s “American Woman” blaring in the background, stripping, gyrating, and shocking us all with his best Magic Mike moves. If you didn’t cry from laughing so hard/have a hot flash, please see someone as you might have an incurable disease.

What ran through my mind as I watched Chris Messina tear open his shirt and shake his derriere is that this is the same man who played Vicky’s clueless husband in Vicky Cristina Barcelona and Amy Adam’s sweet, supportive husband in Julie and Julia. And all I could think was, “Thank you, Mindy, for discovering this man’s true talent. And forcing him to display it on national television.” Get this man an Emmy nod and a role in Magic Mike 2. His skills have been kept hidden from us all for far too long.

So for The Mindy Project, and for Chris Messina, I thank Mindy Kaling for giving us the best in comedy currently on television. If you don’t watch this show, please start. Or at least Google “Chris Messina Diamond Dan scene.” Your life will be better for it.

Posting this at the end. Because if you’re being honest with yourself, you know this is all you wanted to see.

I Wanna Marry Harry: Finale Recap

Well, mates, I promised you I’d watch the finale of I Wanna Marry Harry and report back to you with the winner.

It only took me seven days, but I did it.

But before we get to the final results, let’s have a brief recap of the show’s last episode.

Matt narrowed the ladies down to three: Katrina, Kelley, and Kimberly. (The KKK, I’m just now noticing. Oh dear.) In a move that suggests Fox knew this show wasn’t going to last long, the girls each get a very brief last date with Matt. No, seriously–Matt went out with all three of the girls in one day, just long enough for one glass of champagne and one quick peck on the cheek. Maybe they thought it would be easier for Matt to make his decision if he didn’t have time to think on it?

First up, Kelley and Matt go for a romantic meal at the top of the Gherkin in London. Kelley compliments Matt on how perfectly royal he is (ha, oh girl, if only you knew/were smart), and also takes the opportunity to tell Matt the other girls aren’t here for the right reasons. Anyone who’s ever watched The Bachelor knows that talking smack about other contestants is the first way to get your ass sent home! Reality Dating TV 101! Naturally, Matt is immediately turned off by Kelley’s catty antics.

Next, Matt and Katrina enjoy a spin on the London Eye. Despite looking like a royal herself (her last name is Kennedy), Katrina seems genuinely into the pale, ginger-haired Matt. Matt is definitely into Katrina, but it seems more of a physical attraction than anything else, which leads us to…

Kimberly. Ah, Kimberly, the only girl on the show who seems like a truly sweet person who is completely unaware of just how much of a catch she is. Who would have thought the nicest girl on the show would be from Long Island? The two meet atop the Tower Bridge (ulgh, jealousy) and are endearingly cute together. (Yes, I just used the phrase “endearingly cute” in reference to this show.)

When it comes time to send one of the girls home, Matt sends Kelley packing. Good job, Matt! I approve!

The following evening, the two finalists are treated to a winter wonderland on the castle grounds, complete with fake falling snow. It looked more like your high school’s attempt at a winter dance, but hey, this is the same show that’s trying to pass off a commoner as Prince Harry, so what did I expect?2014-06-16 16_20_36-Greenshot

After some one on one time with the ladies (who surprisingly are the two least cattiest women in the history of reality dating competitions), Matt must make his final decision. After much hemming and hawing and assistance from the ever loyal Kingsley, Matt makes up his mind.

Now, without further ado, it is time to announce the winner of I Wanna Marry Harry.

Drum roll please.

Da dum da dum da dum.

Seriously trying to give all you people who don’t want to be spoiled a chance to close out your window right now.

Da dum da dum da dum.

KIMBERLY.

Bravo, Matt! Katrina was emotional about Matt’s rejection, and I just wanted to say, “My dear, it’s you who’s won! You! He’s not Prince Harry! Open your eyes, dear girl!” (It was like I was Lady Grantham and she was Lady Edith, ya feel?)

Kimberly is overwhelmed by Matt’s choosing her, but wait! He must still reveal the truth about his identity. Taking many awkward swallows, as is his tendency, Matt finally tells Kimberly that is in fact not Prince Harry but the imposter, Matt Hicks. When asked if she cares, Kimberly shrugs it off and accepts Matt for who is.

Wait. What? Kimberly, there is a spot in heaven for you. You are seriously the nicest person to ever sign up for a reality tv show.

The two kiss as a sea of fireworks sparkle into the sky around them.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE. There's More

Kingsley stops the two’s embrace to reveal that because Kimberly has accepted Matt for who he really is, the two are to be awarded with $250,000.

SHUT UP. Hec I would have signed up for this show and pretended to think this guy was Prince Harry, too, if I’da know that was gonna happen at the end.

The lovebirds are drawn away from their winter wonderland in a horse and carriage as Mickey Mouse comes out to sing “When You Wish Upon Star” and the credits roll.

Okay, that last part didn’t happen, but the horse and carriage did. So I guess this makes Matt Cinderella? Right?

Still, the show is not ended yet. The next day, the two leave their stately estate and are presented with a double bicycle. I wish I could say I rolled my eyes, but guys, it was SO ADORABLE. Matt and Kim double cyced right outta their castle home and into the sunset of tomorrowland. 2014-06-16 16_42_22-Greenshot

Sure, the show was ridiculous, but hot damn that was a good ending.

I Wanna Marry Harry: Ep. 2 Recap

Here it is, folks! My recap of Episode 2 of I Wanna Marry Harry. May you learn here what you were dying to know.

I Wanna Marry Harry: Ep. 1 Recap

I said I’d watch this show, and I have. How long I can stick with it and its nonsense, only time will tell. I’ve recapped the first episode in the slideshow below. Still working out the kinks–this thumbnail spread of photos is overwhelming! But click the first image and a carousel slideshow will open. Then just click on through. Enjoy!